I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
