I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
