i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
