From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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