Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
