I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
