Your mouth is God's brothel.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
