Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
