Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
