the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
