I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
