Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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