We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
