Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
