she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
