I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize