When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
