i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
