Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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