I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
