I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
