if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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