i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
