i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
