god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
After tacos, we're chasing women.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
