he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
