Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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