We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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