I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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