I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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