I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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