The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
