PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
