Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
