Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
