I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
