woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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