I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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