The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
