Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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