so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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