no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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