I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
