I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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