i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
