Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
