i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
