I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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