i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
