I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
