he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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