Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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