Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
