we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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