I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We left the knife in your bed.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
