fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
