I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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